Raiders Blog: Raidermus Friday Prediction: Raiders vs. Cardinals

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What follows is a work of humor and satire on the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive content and images and therefore should not be read by anyone.

Greetings, Raider Nation! This is me, the malfunctioning funk, the man for whom there is no “OFF” position on the Genius Switch, and the coolest man alive, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. It’s been a long week for the Raiders and their fans, who like Cyberpunk 2077 fans have been eagerly awaiting a shiny new product only to find themselves mired in a broken and untenable mess. We can only hope that the Raiders have fixed a few things over the past week and will actually be watchable at home.

Raidermus Friday Prediction: Week 2

Even after such a disheartening loss, Raiderdamus is still going to do his job, unlike Nathaniel Hackett, whose last name is a perfect explanation for how he’s handled being Broncos coach so far. and whose middle name should be “I can’t”. . Because I, unlike the Broncos, am a professional, I once again bring you the words of the Great Beyond.

“I think we, and the Raiders themselves, should try to forget that Week 1 ever happened. Derek Carr has displayed his gunslinger mentality, which sometimes means he makes big plays, sometimes he throws picks, and sometimes he funnels public welfare money into a college volleyball stadium. It just goes with the territory to have such a fearless guy at the helm who can’t see because he has more eyeliner on than the front row at a My Chemical Romance concert.

So who do you have this week? The cardinals? How much do the Raiders pay them to come and play a match against a D1 team? If Scott Frost had programmed the Cardinals instead of Georgia Southern, he would still be employed in Nebraska today. The Cardinals are a lot like Chiefs fans – when the adult website asks them when they were born, they say 1898, and they peaked in 2009 and haven’t come out of the basement since. Arizona in the Super Bowl against Pittsburgh had the worst choke job seen on TV since marrying Joffrey Baratheon. The Cardinals’ last championship dates back to 1947, and football was first televised in 1948, so no one has ever watched the Cardinals win a title on TV.

If you smell what the Great Beyond is cooking up…

The Cardinals are such a decrepit and pathetic franchise that was given the choice between the desert of Afghanistan and making millions to play for the Cardinals, the honorable American hero Pat Tillman chose Afghanistan. Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray plays a ton of Call of Duty, trying to do pretty much everything Tillman actually did. I don’t blame Murray for staying indoors and having fun, because the greater Phoenix area is populated with many current and former Arizona State students, and the last thing Murray needs is a war zone in his urinary tract if you feel what the Great Beyond is. kitchen.

Still, if the Raiders want to secure victory on Sunday, they’ll convince Activision to make it a Double XP weekend. Murray plays games as a soldier because he’s not big enough to join the army. Murray is the perfect quarterback for the Cardinals because he’s really just a baseball player who was drafted by the Oakland A’s, and just like the A’s, the Cardinals no longer play meaningful games. after mid-September. Kyler has a lot of heroes, but he really admires Kevin Hart, even if he needs a stepping stone to do so.

Murray’s contract stipulation regarding studying film was surely leaked by his agent trying to make the Cardinals look stupid, but it kind of backfired because everyone already knew they were stupid. . We also knew Murray was an asshole, except now we know he’s the kind of asshole who screams on Xbox Live about how he slept with your mother and substitutes his death/death ratio for a personality.

Arizona is ruled by Great Value Sean McVay, Kliff Kingsbury, a man who seems to have to sell Cutco knives from the back of a Honda Civic. He’s such a pretentious man that he spells Cliff with a K and thinks he can win in Arizona when so many others before him have failed, in a stadium that was designed to look like a barrel cactus but looks more like a UFO.

Arizona is barely a state and there are no farms there…

This stadium is called State Farm Stadium, which is ironic because Arizona is barely a state and there are no farms there, only sand and predatory air conditioning repairmen and seat belts in metals that burn your skin when you touch them. It’s better than the old name, University of Phoenix Stadium, named after a scam online college that will take your money and give you nothing of value, just like tickets to a Cardinals game. The Cardinals are 124 years old and have a playoff record of 7-10, which will be their record this season as well.

These Cardinals are a tough team to support. They have very few native fans because Phoenix is ​​populated by college students and older people who can’t stand the northern cold in the winter because it makes their arthritis and gout worse. They have the ignominy of having two of the most iconic games in Super Bowl history against them. If you search for the term “Cardinals”, you’ll probably find the St. Louis baseball team, or Louisville, or the Stanford Cardinal, which doesn’t even have an S at the end, but Google doesn’t care, because only 50 people search for the Arizona Cardinals each year, and those people try to sell tickets to 49ers fans on Stubhub. The Cardinals are a professional sports franchise just like Shaquille O’Neal is Irish.

To make matters worse for the Cards…

To make matters worse for the Cards, they will be without star receiver DeAndre Hopkins for this game and several after. I can’t blame Hopkins for his absence, because I think most people would rather do drugs than play for the Cardinals. Arizona’s main offensive weapons will be Hollywood Brown, a man brought in by the Cardinals to make Kyler Murray feel big, and Zach Ertz, whose last name is the sound you make when you get hit in the nuts. That’s also the sound Murray will make when Chandler Jones and Maxx Crosby fire him in the third quarter. We will see that the cardinals’ uniforms are this color just to hide the blood.

The Raiders win, 26-20.

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